Over thirty years ago, one of the main concerns of the nation was the lack of nutrition and starvation of children across America. Today, rather than the scarcity of food, we are focusing on too much food and calories. Obesity is a growing epidemic that is sweeping the nation. In one of my classes GKIN 100 our instructor found a statistic that stated that by the year 2030 all American adults will be overweight. There is not much that can be done for adults since they have their diet set, but there is something that can be done about the children, our future. I believe that the government needs to take action and steps towards regulating what type of food/beverages are sold and advertised in schools. However some industries fear that federal control would threaten the company, possibly hurting their marketing. Bringing in regulation to these industries has enormous opportunities for a healthier lifestyle but is a big gamble.
Douglas J. Besharov, a professor at the University of Maryland, made a testimony before the Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry on April 3, 2003 about the concern over overweight and obesity in America. He stated that in previous years while a civil rights worker in the 1960’s he had first hand account of the lack of nutrition and starvation that occurred. Only after the media paid attention to such issues is when action took place such as federal feeding and welfare programs for people who cannot afford to pay for food. Now he sees accounts of the complete opposite. Children’s stomachs’ are not swollen from hunger but from too much food. The question is, does the federal government need to intervene for this measure, and how will it affect these companies? My answer to this question would be yes. In extreme cases the federal government, such as the U.S. Food and Drug Administration under the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, is a good solution due to that they have greater power that those who just shake their fingers and say that what some companies are doing is bad. However, companies fear government regulation and see it as a threat to their profit and possibly their jobs. Such action can cause serious damage to the company in profits.
Approximately $1.7 billion was spent on gearing products such as sugary cereals, fast food and sodas towards children. Policymakers, public and health professionals are now concerned about certain practices of these companies. Threatened by federal regulation, companies are starting to do what some call self-policy in order to stay afloat. Several companies have taken measures to make modifications to the products they sell, particularly to children. The most common tactic was to stop marketing certain products that are aimed towards children and teenagers. Cereal is one of the biggest products that have trouble adapting to theses expectations (Clifford par.12). Kellogg’s, along with other participating companies are not permitted to advertise their product in elementary schools, with some exceptions such as charitable fundraising activities (Sharma par. 16). This is good, especially when it comes to adapting to new products geared to health standards, but is it good enough?
Other forms of self-regulating is to modify the products to a healthier measure. Each company has their own set of standards for “better” food, but what exactly does that mean? The companies themselves define this; there is no universal definition for “better” food (Clifford par 7). However the writers of the article, The Food Industry and Self-Regulation: Standards to Promote Success and to Avoid Public Health Failures, have found 8 standards that companies should and do follow in order for self-regulation to be successful. These guidelines help to create smaller portion sizes and calorie intake without diminishing nutritional needs; all of which that are to be distributed in schools. These rules are generally stricter for schools that foster children from grades K-8. The main concern though, is what is the benchmark for these guidelines? Every company will be different in setting their standards, if there are even any standards set. So how can policymakers and these companies find a solution?
Before anyone can put a plan into action, first there is something that needs to be defined, the benchmark. What is the cut off? Each product is going to have something different but how can policymakers ensure that these standards are efficient and will be met? Though full government regulation will not be the solution and self-regulation is not always successful, I do believe that the government can carefully monitor these products, a look but don’t touch scenario. We have to give these industries and company the benefit of the doubt if they are indeed trying to better their food for a healthier and better standard. However the companies should make their criteria and check in with the FDA to make sure it is acceptable, if not then go back to the drawing board and try again. Once that is covered, all the federal government does is watch, if anything is out of line that is when they need to intervene. We should try to avoid this as much as possible so that the government does not control everything.

Dear Megan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this topic and thought that you did a great job explaining the idea to the reader; however, I was a bit confused on what your take on the issue was. I found that I learned a lot about nutrition, but when I approached the end of the paper I was uncertain of what the argument was or what the middle ground was. I think that is you add some more text to your paper; the argument will be more sound and believable. I would suggest adding a work cited at the end of your paper to give credit to the creators of your valid sources. I really enjoyed your intro and thought it was the appropriate length and had a great amount in information in it. I think your paper would really improve for the better if you added some more voice in as well. I think you have a lot of good reliable sources which provides the reader with a general understanding of the topic, but I think it would be great if you could provide some of your own feedback as well. The feedback I currently see is great, but I would love to see more where that comes from. I think the last concern I had with your paper was the lack of a conclusion. When I got to the end of your paper I was a little confused on how the paper was wrapped up. I think if you generalize the paper more concisely it would give the audience a clear understanding of what you are referring to. Good luck with the rest of your paper!
Thank you,
Katelyn Bell
Dear Megan,
ReplyDeleteThe topic you chose was really interesting. I really liked how you started off the essay with a comparison of how society used to be and how society is now based on this topic. I also liked how you included a lot of facts so I was able to follow along with the claims you were making. There are a couple things I wouls suggest you to do. One thing I would suggest is to make sure you have a works cited at the end because you cited things but there was no works cited for them. Also on that note there were no quotes that went with the citations. I saw that you cited things but didn't know where the citation began and where it ended. So make sure to do that. lastly the second paragraph was kind of confusing along with some other parts in the essay. the second paragraph talks about the professor and then the end starts to talk about profit. also there was a lot of fact and not as much opinion so i was confused as to what your stance in this was. good luck on your second draft!
ashley
Dear Megan,
ReplyDeleteI found this topic to be very interesting. I too am learning about obesity in my health class, and it is very sad to see how high the numbers are among children. You are right that they are the future and need to be healthy! I thought your paper provided alot of information and you have great sources. Your introduction was great and a good length. A few suggestions I have on improving your paper would be to state your claim and stick to it. I found it somewhat confusing while reading your paper what your actual argument was, and was not sure if there was really any middle ground or a compromise. I know that you believe children should not be overweight, but what is the solution? I think if you make this even more clear your paper will be even better! Also, some sentences in your essay seemed to run on and were wordy, which made me have to re-read them and it was confusing at times. If you changed this and some other little grammatical errors that I noticed, that would help! One last suggestion would be to add a works cited to your paper so that your sources recieve credit, this is very important! I hope this helps some when writing your final draft, I know you will end up with an awesome paper!- Olivia Miller
Megan,
ReplyDeleteLet me start off by saying how much I enjoyed your topic choice. It was unique compared to some of the other papers I read. I felt as if you had variety of strong sources and statistics. However, some of these statistics were not cited and can be played off as plagiarism. Make sure you fix that, as well as adding a works cited page.
Additionally, I wish I could have seen more of your own voice. I found your paper to be more factual than anything. And most of the time when you did voice your opinion, it was through the use of rhetorical questions. Expand on those ideas more.
Lastly, keep working on your conclusion. I felt that it ended abruptly, and it left the reader hanging. Try and find a smoother transition/ending.
Overall, your paper was good. You just have to work on those few minor things. Good luck on your next draft!
-Kate
Hey Megan!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your topic choice, it was very interesting and I learned some new things throughout your paper! I loved the way you started off your paper. The first sentence was very strong, and made me think wow how things have changed. Obesity is a major concern on the world today and we need to learn how to change it. Some things I believe you could improve on is citations. There were a couple points in the essay that left me wondering where that information came from like the first sentence of the third paragraph. Also I really liked how you used rhetorical questions, but I think there maybe be a few too many at the end of your paper..I tend to do that alot too!! So if you cut that back I think that would really help. Another thing is I feel like you didn't talk about the other view too much and you didn't really state a compromise. I would love to see your thoughts on a way to make a compromise, so add that! Also the lack of a conclusion left me wondering at the end of the essay, so make it as unique as your beginning and you will be set!
Railey Hiser
Dear Megan,
ReplyDeleteI thought that the issue that you chose was interesting and something that the whole class has a good background knowledge in. I liked your paper overall but I did find a few things to take a look at.
First, in your opening paragraph you use a statement from your GKIN teacher and I thought this was a great statement and it really fit in your paper well, but it would be a lot more useful if you couls cite it and find out where it came from. I would suggest going to your tacher and askin them where they got it or googling it and seeing if you can find its source. Also, I had a hard time trying to figure out your stance and what the real issue was. I had to read this a few times to find out what you were arguing and what side you took on the issue.
Second, I liked that your tried to fit a lot of questions into your paper and they can be a real asset to a paper to help get across your point and your stance but I felt like you had a few too many questions. I would say cut back on the questions and try putting some more facts and statistics into your paper. Since this is a growing issue I think a lot of your information should be about what our future will be about and how this will effect our world as we know it. You could also talk about the little things we could to to help shape our future.
Lastly, there were a few grammer things or little sentences that didn't really make sense so I made a few comments on the hard copy of your paper so I hope those help too.
Overall great job and good luck on your final draft!
Kara
Megan,
ReplyDeleteI really like this topic- Neal did a similar one. I also liked your introduction to the issue- it was attention grabbing and most people understand how big of an issue this is.
First of all, I definitely think your paper needs to be longer to meet the requirement, and to support your stance better. Also, needs a title. I also think you need to elaborate more on the other side of the argument, why the government shouldn't control these things.
I also was kind of confused on the purpose of the example of advertising to kids in schools- maybe giving evidence that it was successful or what effect it had would give it more meaning. I also think you started to use too many questions in the end. I think rhetorical questions serve a good purpose but, not this many. And, I liked your idea of government control in moderation, it's a good compromise.
Overall, I think you need to give much more support. Give more information on the other side of the argument and why we need to control these things. Definitely work on citations and works cited.
Good Luck,
Danielle Guy
Megan
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your paper a lot (not to mention your blog, pretty sweet). I wrote about something similar to this is for the prior paper and I think its a topic that is somewhat easy to take a Rogerian side on so try to incorporate more into the other side of the argument. Maybe not necessarily the benefit of sugary or fattening foods but perhaps loving your body or not becoming obsessed with outward body image. Also, you need more sources. You lack strong factual evidence. There is a lot of statistics on the number of people plagued with obesity or heart disease (or diseases like heart disease) that spout from being overweight. Also, it was difficult for me to understand the purpose of your paper and the stance you were taking. Make the sides of the argument more clear. Who is against who? What are their opinions? What do they agree on? Clear statements like these will help with the flow of your paper and create a more Rogerian aspect to the essay. You have a good paper right now, with a few adjustments and more research you can produce a really great final draft.
Brooke
You picked a good topic to write a rogerian argument on. The evidence and research that you included were very good support. I was a little confused on what point you were actually trying to argue. In the beginning you talk about how you feel that the government should step in, but in the conclusion you say that you don't want the government to be in control of the situation. I think you just need to organize your essay a little better and find some common ground with the other side of your argument. You should also add more details,evidence and a compromise to your paper.
ReplyDeleteDear, Megan.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I like you topic, and I enjoyed reading your paper. I think you are good job using sources to support your ideas and opinions. Also, I think your opinions are pretty strong. I like your introduction and it is interesting to staring your paper.
However, I want to suggest something. I could understand your opinions, but those are not very strong and confusing to me. It means it was hard to catch your ideas because it was not very clear . I felt you are in the middle of opinions. When I read your paper, I found your opinions in the introduction. But, after I read it, I was a little bit of confusing what side you support. Therefore, I suggest make strong and powerful opinions from the first to the end.
I want to listen many your own voices and other opinions too. Of course, you are pretty good job to show other opinions and your opinions, but I think if you add more opinions or ideas, your rogerian argument will be better.
And, I want to talk about works cited. You didn’t put works cited at the end of your paper. So, I suggested put works cited in your last draft.
Overall, I think you are doing good job.
And, the topic was very interesting.
Please keep working.
Good Luck.
Thank you
Minsun
Dear Megan
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your topic on obesity. Someone in my group did the semi same topic so it was nice to be able to compare some of the similarities between the essays. The first thing I liked was the use of the personal stories and ideas. It seems to be a similar aspect that is placed in many essays this time around, and it can only improve your paper. The one big thing I saw that was missing was a work cited page. To that, there were no in text citations and you have to have those. Make sure not to skip on the academic sources as well because those are needed. These sources could also shape some of the paragraphs you feel might be lacking, so get to on the sources! Another thing I had trouble with was your claim. I feel your claim wasn’t strong while I was reading the paper. A way you could improve this is by adding more voice throughout the whole paper. I feel that was missing and I wished it was there to express some of your opinions. The last thing I feel you need is some more common ground between both sides. A way you can do this is by improving on your compromise and just talk a little more on the opposite side. I feel this will make your paper a little rogerian and better. I hope you consider my comments for your final draft.
Bryan Vu
Megan,
ReplyDeleteYou picked an interesting and challenging topic to find a middle ground on. I found that by reading your paper i learned about obesity and marketing of foods to children. You did an excellent job of informing the reader on what the current situation is in america. However, it was very difficult to find what you were advocating for until you stated it explicitly in the last paragraph. even then, it was slightly confusing in the fact that much of what you advocate for is the case already. I feel that you could benefit from taking a more hard-lined opinion or tweaking your perspective to make it more noticeable throughout your paper. That being said, your paper has a lot of promise because of the way you framed your argument. The basis of a strong argument is in place with your powerful use of statistics that were generally believable. (the exception being the statistic that all adults will be overweight by 2030 which personally i believe is heinous.)
All in all, good start, if you can develop your opinion earlier in the essay or make it more hard-lined you will have yourself an excellent paper.
Good luck,
Tom
Hey Megan!
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think you have a pretty strong essay. I absolutely adored your introduction..it was really gripped and made me want to pay attention to it because I guess it appeals to so many people and hits close to home. Very interesting topic choice. My biggest confusion was in some of your word choice. I found it awkward and most of the time, what you were saying would have been better off as two separate thoughts. Towards the end of the introduction was one place, as well as throughout the second paragraph. You painted a nice picture in paragraph 2, but I found no legitimate sources or backups for what you were trying to say and accomplish. I think you should also close that paragraph with maybe your view on it before you launch into what cutting back and limiting schools will do for companies. That is something you can introduce later and people won't be as confused. You make a few really good statements, but I have no idea where the idea came from. Example would be in the third paragraph: "Approximately $1.7 billion was spent on gearing products such as sugary cereals, fast food and sodas towards children." Where did you find this information? And more importantly, what are you trying to say? I'm confused as to what you even want this to refer to. You got really good at utilizing sources towards the end of the paper, but by then it's too late. You've got to start from the start with solid information. I also don't see many Rogerian ideals until the final paragraph when you use a statement that says, "I do believe..." but I think part of the problem here too is maybe you're not as firm as you could be with how you see it. Make sure the audience knows how you feel, and I think I can tell you want the government to instate laws keeping certain foods/drinks from school, but I think if you restate that throughout the essay, your audience will remember and you will be able to cover all the Rogerian bases. Overall nicely done! I'm really impressed by your tone and voice in this essay. I'm excited to see what you can stir up with your final draft.
Keep rockin', Katie
Dear Megan,
ReplyDeleteI like your topic! Obesity is definately a growing problem in this country and I agree that it is important to prevent from future obesity problems. I also liked how you started off your essay by saying only thirty years ago people were suffering from starvation, but now people are suffering from obesity. I want to make some suggestions though. Although I can see your stance clearly, I feel like your arguments are too broad. I think going in depth and being more specific about it will make your arguments much more stronger. When you talked about "companies" I wasn't sure which compaines you were referring to. Maybe including names of companies would be good. Also you could maybe find sources of how school food are unhealthy and that children are addicted to fastfood. In addition, I noticed that you don't have a works cited page so including that would be good. Overall, your paper needs to be expanded and have more sources. Good job and good luck on your final!!
- Sora Shin
Megan
ReplyDeleteWe have similar topics, so I can see where you are going with this.
However, you need to more fully develop a stance. I know it is difficult to take a middle stance on whether to combat obesity, since action to eliminate it is clearly favored and right.
You seem to hint at some government regulation, but do not want too much. Develop this with programs you support and don't. I chose government education initiatives as a compromise, citing this ,it is tailored to your paper more though
http://article.nationalreview.com/424377/federalizing-fat/julie-gunlock
In terms of writing, there are very few mistakes, although your paper is below the minimum length, that can easily be fixed by adding your voice more throughout.
-Neal
Megan.
ReplyDeleteYour topic is very interesting. I love the use of rhetorical questions. You seem to find common ground and use great rogerian language but I never saw that til the end of your paper. I was very intrigued by your first paragraph, it is so true that people have tended to focus more on how people should lose weight rather than starvation. However that made me think you were talking about the lack of focus on starvation. Your word choice was a bit off. I liked how you used professors oppions in this paper that made it credible but sometimes you were not always backing up what you had to say. (Approximately $1.7 billion was spent on gearing products such as sugary cereals, fast food and sodas towards children.) needs a citation. In your next draft be sure to develop some pathos. It seemed as if you werent as passionate for one side. There were more facts in this paper than your opinion. I had this problem with my last essay, just try to focus on Let the audience know how this is a huge problem and then go into finding common ground. OVerall this is a solid paper just work on some minor adjustments. Good luck with your revisions.
Lauren